LOVE

"Before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times. Once, you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. Once you must fall in love with someone you believe is perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as anything less than you deserve. And once, you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be. And when you’re through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that needed you the most. But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved."

I saw this quote the other day, and I was completely blown away. I'm not even sure how to respond or write about this, I just knew I definitely wanted to share this with you.

It's honestly one of the best quotes I've read. It gives you hope, makes you look back on things with a smile in your heart, and know that everything is happening for a reason. I suppose that all things in life are merely perception, but for some reason I feel as if this quote can resonate with everyone. It's not about the downside of love, or the bright side. But merely the true essence, that love is a lesson and that each person will share something unique with you. Some love quotes leave you sad, or reminiscent, but for me this quote gives me hope for the future that someday we'll all figure ourselves out and live a happy life in any direction we go, knowing that we've learned valuable lessons along the way and that there are still many more to learn.

BREATHE

If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it.

Anais Nin 

    Sigh. Look at huge building. Sigh. Walk inside. Overwhelmed. Can't find other group members. Didn't write my paragraph anyway. Don't like health class anyway.Sit down. Boring. Walk around and observe the display cases. Where are all the books? Thought it was only three floors. Ground floor doesn't count. Weird. Four floors. Continue walking around aimlessly. Hope group members don't show up. Please. "Hey!". Sigh. Group member shows up. Tell them work isn't done. Neither is theirs. Sigh. Project is going nowhere. Due next week. It's a presentation. I hate public speaking. Must be memorized. Counts as midterm. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. College is overwhelming. So much to do. So little time. So hard to focus. I made a rhyme. Sigh. Third group member shows up with nothing to contribute. Great. People talk too loud in library. Should be quiet. Walk away and attempt to be productive. Facebook. Tumblr. Other homework that just gets stared at. No productivity. The usual. It's Friday, my brain isn't working. Sigh. Should probably do it now while I have the time. It's the thought that counts. Seriously so much to do. Don't want to do it. Have to do it. Why. Open blog. Sigh. Mental break. Finally. Even though it wasn't working that hard in the first place. Sigh. Writer's block. Sigh. It's so nice outside. Sigh. Attention span of a squirrel. Sigh. Don't have to think, just feel and write. Begin writing. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.



                                                                                                                    Breathe.

WHY DO I DO WHAT I DO?

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

-Unknown

     Why do I do what I do? Such a weighted question. I'm not even sure what exactly it is that I "do".  I think I do what I do because I'm still not sure what I need to be doing. In order to "do" something, one must perform, execute, and complete an action or task. But I have no goal  in mind for my future, no task that needs completion. Sure I'd like to graduate college, start a career, and possibly way down the road start a family but those aren't things I've chosen to accomplish. I couldn't honestly tell you that I have sat down and wanted those things for myself- those things are just expected of me, and I'm growing to accept that.

      It's not my parents who forced me to accomplish those goals, it's not even one particular person's fault. It's our fault. Yes, that's right...o-u-r fault. You, me, and everyone else on this planet. I'm not accusing you of anything, or myself, I just find it incredibly troubling that each and every day we wake up having our choices already made for us. A predetermined life that we think we have control over, but we don't. From the time we're born our whole life has been planned for us. We learn to talk, walk, go to preschool when we turn five, and gradually advance our education until we're eighteen. When we finally become "adults" and magically mature enough between our last day of being seventeen and our eighteenth birthday to make our own life decisions, we don't even get to make any. We're expected to keep going, keep advancing and pursuing our dreams. What dreams? I haven't stopped working long enough to even think about what dreams I have for myself. I don't have time for that, I'm too busy going to college so I can accomplish my next task: getting a job. Maybe after four more years of a predetermined choice I'll actually get a job I enjoy. There's a thought. And then if I make enough income to support myself, and whatever family I do have at the time I'll have accomplished another goal. Hopefully I'll have saved enough money to send my kids to college and fund their education because that's what all "good" parents should do. Once they've graduated I'll probably have to continue working to pay it all off, but maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to retire. That is if there is even enough money left for me to retire when I'm of age. I'm not going to get my hopes up.

     If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Only if someone is there to hear it. If I'm successful, does it matter? Only if someone is there to witness it.  That's the problem with our society, our life. Nothing matters unless everyone around us agrees that it is. Even if we choose to rebel against the life that's predetermined for us, it doesn't matter. We can be happy, and successful on our own terms but it doesn't mean anything unless there other people who recognize our accomplishments as "socially acceptable". Can we advance? Be successful? I wish I knew the answer. So, can we break free from this cycle? If we do, can we live and survive by today's standards? Unfortuantely I think the answer is no.

Sorry if I sound really pessimistic throughout this, I've just been thinking about it lately and as I wrote the more I thought about. Let me know what you think to all of these unanswered questions. Maybe we'll be able to discuss it further.

P.S. I'm definitely going to finish this, I've got so many ideas and thoughts to add. :)

REFLECTIONS

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts. 

 -Unknown

             I know, I know. You pretty much expected every girl in this class to write about heartbreak at least once over the course of the semester. I was going to spare you the agony of listening to another love story gone wrong, but then I decided not to. Sometimes it's better to just let things out instead of holding onto them...maybe? I hope so. This is the first time, and probably not the last time I'm going to write about this, so bear with me. And don't worry, I'm not some emotionally unstable teenager who you should seriously worried about, I promise:) I think we're all going through this phase of rediscovering and redefining ourselves and some of us have just been hit with a lot of changes all at once. You can probably gather from my last post that I am. But being the positive person that I am, I'm really not seeing this whole "break-up" in a negative way, or letting it effect me in a way that most people might. Quite honestly I'm at peace with it. I think the struggle for me is learning how to let go of the idea that maybe, someday things will be as wonderful as they were at the first. Deep down I know that they won't be, but it's just hard to accept that.

            So you're probably wondering what the hell happened. To be quite honest, so am I. 
I guess it's true when they say love is blind. I was blind to a lot of things, or maybe not. I like to think not, but the longer this drags out the more I think I was. I'm pretty positive that my problem is that I continue to see the good in people regardless of what they have said or done regardless of how harsh, controlling, or spiteful their words may be. It's one of my best and worst qualities. Good in such a way that I always see the best in everyone, bad in the sense that the fine line between seeing the good and being a pushover is often blurred.

9-7-12

I started writing that yesterday. But my thoughts and feeling about that have somewhat been shut off. I'll finish this when I feel it's the right thing to do. Don't worry it's not the last time we'll talk about this. Sorry for the suspense!

Olivia

FREE OF THE PAST

       "What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now."

     - Unknown

       This is so different than I imagined it being. The thought of living on my own, and being completely responsible for myself in every aspect of life from now on is such a daunting thought-and now a reality. The whole summer and even the past eighteen years I've been preparing for this "someday" and now that I'm finally facing it head on I'm not even sure if I'm ready. 
       It's been two weeks and it still hasn't hit me yet that I'm in college. Away. Alone. Responsible. I thought things would change as far as my personality and actions. Like a switch would go off and I'd magically be a different person. Hopefully more spontaneous and outgoing-but nothing has changed. It's frustrating to hear my mother constantly shove the idea that I need to change and date as many people as humanly possible to "experience all life has to offer" and to ensure that I never "settle". But what if I'm happy? I don't have to take the same path as her to end up at the same destination in life. She has good intentions, and I don't have the heart to defy her wishes. But I don't have the desire to date other people, much less party or do all the other things kids my age are doing. It's just not who I am. I wish she would accept that and see that I am happy and very content with the choices I've made throughout my life.
      I am changing, just on my own terms. I'm slowly learning that I am in control of my life, and even though everyone has an opinion on how I should life my life, it's up to me to do it. It's a shame that I've been so busy trying to be what everyone else wants me to be that I don't know who I am. At the end of the day I have to life with the decisions I make and the people I choose to surround myself with. It's hard to just get up one day and tell yourself it's OK to make your own decisions, but I know it's going to be worth it. Even thought it's easier to follow in the footsteps of others, being a leader has the greatest reward. So here's to my new life, new ways, and new self.