"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now."
- Unknown
This is so different than I imagined it being. The thought of living on my own, and being completely responsible for myself in every aspect of life from now on is such a daunting thought-and now a reality. The whole summer and even the past eighteen years I've been preparing for this "someday" and now that I'm finally facing it head on I'm not even sure if I'm ready.
It's been two weeks and it still hasn't hit me yet that I'm in college. Away. Alone. Responsible. I thought things would change as far as my personality and actions. Like a switch would go off and I'd magically be a different person. Hopefully more spontaneous and outgoing-but nothing has changed. It's frustrating to hear my mother constantly shove the idea that I need to change and date as many people as humanly possible to "experience all life has to offer" and to ensure that I never "settle". But what if I'm happy? I don't have to take the same path as her to end up at the same destination in life. She has good intentions, and I don't have the heart to defy her wishes. But I don't have the desire to date other people, much less party or do all the other things kids my age are doing. It's just not who I am. I wish she would accept that and see that I am happy and very content with the choices I've made throughout my life.
I am changing, just on my own terms. I'm slowly learning that I am in control of my life, and even though everyone has an opinion on how I should life my life, it's up to me to do it. It's a shame that I've been so busy trying to be what everyone else wants me to be that I don't know who I am. At the end of the day I have to life with the decisions I make and the people I choose to surround myself with. It's hard to just get up one day and tell yourself it's OK to make your own decisions, but I know it's going to be worth it. Even thought it's easier to follow in the footsteps of others, being a leader has the greatest reward. So here's to my new life, new ways, and new self.
I feel like I am in the exact same position as you! College hasn't hit me, there was such a huge build up and now nothing feels different. My mom is on me to date other people to see who is out there and to get the full college experience. We just have to figure things out on our own and learn from our surroundings.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this. I'm telling you I feel we're alike. I'm not a partying person myself and I don't just "date" people. I'm not tryning to settle at all neither, but I feel I'm happy and content at where I'm at and even where I'm going if I continue to keep my head up. Keep you head up. Even show your mom the growing women you're becoming. She'll be suprised by your maturity Olivia!
ReplyDeleteWell... I party a lot more than regular guys my age do... a whole lot more, actually 2-6 every month or so for a special occasion, birthday, holiday, or just a get together.
ReplyDeleteWow, Olivia. Thank you for sharing this really moving and thoughtful thinking about yourself, your identity your new place as a college student.
ReplyDeleteYou have me thinking about all the shifting moments in my life... and how they were all sort of slow unfoldings... I'm not that much of a different person internally than I was at your age probably 15 years ago. But I think I know more about myself. I am sort of amazed sometimes when I figure something important out about who I am/who I want to be... and I think, oh I have really wanted that all along/been that even all along... I just didn't know/notice.
I hope you will find more writing space in class to keep unraveling some of this.